Accepting the fact that your partner is not keen to explore your sexual fantasies isn’t easy. Here’s help!
26-year-old Tanya dreamt of replicating the romantic moves she’d seen on screen last evening with her husband. But the moment she slipped into a sexy black dress, she knew something would go wrong with her anticipated night of pleasure. By the time the two went to bed, her better half was semi asleep and just as she reached across to him, all he sleepily mused was, ‘Not tonight honey!’
A frequent occurrence in the sexual life of any urban couple, the moment your partner denies your sexual needs, the other half immediately starts nursing innumerable thoughts. “Is my wife having an affair or is that I fail to seduce her anymore?”, “doesn’t my husband love my touch?”, are the most common thoughts that recur in a partner’s head.
An unwillingness to get physically cozy and intimate often creates suspicion and doubts in the mind of the other partner. Too much sexual inadequacy often also creates physical distance and an emotional disconnect, often leading to the break down of marital ties.
Nidhi Chauhan, a homemaker says, “When he denied me for the first time, I got really embarrassed and didn’t know how to react. I finally decided to go to bed without uttering a single word. Now this happens quite frequently and obviously it leads to a great amount of friction between us.”
Accepting the fact that your partner is not keen to explore your sexual fantasies isn’t easy to digest, so here are some tips to get the chemistry sizzling once again.
Is your technique right?
While you’re in bed with your partner, try to explore beyond the regular pleasure points. Find out new ways to seduce your partner, try new positions and don’t be afraid to go beyond the regular seduction techniques. All this can help you and your partner in renewing the passion for making love to each other.
Sunil Sharma, a marketing manager shares his experience, “I was tired of listening to this line from my wife, so I finally decided to sit across the table and discuss her sexual needs frankly. After a prolonged conversation, my wife revealed to me that I fail to arouse her completely. More than me touching her genitals, she liked kissing, fondling and hugging. She didn’t like to be wild in bed and preferred a more subtle approach. I realized that I needed to be more attentive to her innate desires to help us bond better in bed.”
Here’s help: Dr Sanjay Chugh, psychologist, says, “A man can get his woman in the mood by being physically affectionate with her, like running his hands tenderly along her legs, stroking her hair, kissing her on her eyes or giving her a little love bite on her neck. You will completely turn her off if you are always in a mad rush for intercourse. Many women also get bored with having sex the same way for long. So never be afraid of trying out new things.”
‘It was a long tiring day’
Today’s fast paced life often puts a lot of pressure on the couple which carries into the bedroom. This increases the stress level and thus they get lesser time to relax and rejuvenate themselves. Most of us are indulging in multitasking, which makes it difficult to concentrate on one’s personal life.
Dr Samir Parikh, psychologist says, “Our work has become the primary aspect of our life. No wonder that it’s the primary source of most of our problems as well. Something or the other goes wrong everyday in one’s professional ambit. The work culture we have these days, completely drains us out. It brings in communication gap between couples and affects their sex drive too. Therefore, it is necessary to learn to switch off from work once you walk home.”
Smita Sen, a public relation executive says, “Me and my husband hardly have any sex life now. We work for a BPO and our timings are completely different. We hardly get any time to spend with each other. Whenever I pursue him, he says he is too tired, when he is in the mood, I don’t feel like making love to him. It’s drawing us apart.”
Here’s help: If your partner has been trying hard to meet deadlines and cope up with mounting work pressure, it may become difficult for him/her to concentrate on lovemaking. It’s important to show some concern towards your spouse. Try to find out what is bothering him/her, try to comfort them, give them a stimulating massage if they are fatigued as it may help them open up and talk about their work issues.
Once they talk frankly to you, you can comfort them and maybe get them into the mood for a night of passion. Try to do things that relax you both.
Indulging in a warm shower together, enjoying the experience in an atmosphere filled with scented candles and aroma oils can take away the pent up stress. If you have a bathtub, soak yourself with your beau and put on some Zen chants to make the environment soothing.
Learn to have fun together
Playfulness is a very important aspect of one’s sex life. Feeling closer during sex doesn’t only depend on expensive gifts, perfumed candles and a cozy bed. The best thing about sex is the fun of experience, so it’s vital to learn to laugh together. A little bit of excitement and sense of willingness can really set the ball rolling for you.
Shweta Khatri, who is expecting her first child says, “To rekindle the desire of having sex you need to spend quality time with your partner. One can indulge in some fun activities together, like a tickling match, having a pillow fight or having a shower together. All these naughty things act as foreplay and can lead to a great night ahead.”
Here’s help: A couple can try doing some interesting things together to perk up their sex life. From discussing each other’s sexual fantasies, experimenting with kinky sex toys, watching some erotic films together, performing striptease or giving oral pleasure to your partner- the fun lies in being adventurous in bed.
Time after time
After a few decades of sharing the same bed, men often forget the importance of a satisfying foreplay. Therefore, many middle-aged women feel that their husbands are lesser dedicated to the bond now. Women often desire a prolonged foreplay to reach a state of complete arousal.
Susana Ghosh, an advertising professional adds, “I have been married for 16 years. Though I know, my husband loves me, but the way he just focuses on my private parts during intercourse is a big turn off. The other day, he spent the entire evening watching football. As his team won, he was happy and wanted to make love. He just grabbed me, without any foreplay and post the session he simply turned around and went to sleep. He does not try to understand that I deserve and want more. It really upsets me.”
Here’s help: Dr Samir Parikh tells, “One should use his spontaneity and imagination as the tools for foreplay. Foreplay should be lighthearted and slow. Many people take foreplay as just a mere exercise to reach an orgasm. However, the fact is, if a man fakes foreplay, his woman will fake her orgasm.”
The main purpose of foreplay is to make your partner feel special and cared for. Women really like being touched gently all over their body. An erotic massage, some compliments and some passionate kisses help to arouse her completely.
Too busy for sex
In this age of parenting and exhausting work schedules, it’s often difficult for couples to concentrate on their sex life.
Anmol Gupta says, “Nearly after two years of our marriage, we had our first baby. Obviously, both of us were very excited, but our sex life suffered because of my wife’s pregnancy. We were hoping that things will get better after the delivery but it did not turn out as planned. My wife spends sleepless nights as she has to take care of the baby and it seems she is never in the mood for a night of togetherness.”
Here’s help: Dr Rachna Singh opines, “Most of the couples feel that they’re spending less time with their children. Therefore, in the quest of becoming perfect parents they sacrifice their sex lives. Do give time to your children, but save some time for your spouse as well. If you do not enjoy a holistic sexual union, you’ll never be able to create a stress free environment for your children. For a fulfilling sex life, a couple has to be bonded well and it cannot happen overnight. One can’t develop intimacy with his/her partner without spending adequate time with each other.”
‘I don’t feel sexy enough’
Weighty matters often harrow women. If you are incessantly worrying that you are not desirable enough because you have gained extra pounds, think again, as your partner might not have even noticed your extra love handles. Still it’s good to be little health conscious. Trust me it will boost your self-esteem as well.
Sushant Rawat, a software engineer states, “Though sex is not only about having a great body, but who doesn’t want an attractive partner? Therefore, I follow a strict exercise regime and a healthy lifestyle. I feel great about my body and it boosts my confidence in bed, and definitely improves my performance as well.”
Here’s help: Priyanka Verma, a yoga instructor says, “Being in shape is not as difficult as people think, if you alter your lifestyle a little bit you can easily get rid of those extra pounds. Just try to consume a lot of fluids throughout the day, take smaller meals at regular intervals and exercise regularly. Be it yoga or hitting a gym, follow a routine and if you are aiming at some serious weight loss, than exercise with a trainer. Eat healthy and workout, that’s the only way to stay fit and healthy.”
Everybody wishes to have a satisfying sex life, but for attaining sizzling sexual chemistry, you have to understand your partner and give the other person an opportunity to understand you.
Many people find it difficult to put their feelings in words; they feel uncomfortable in doing things to get their spouse in the mood for sex. But it’s necessary to realize that these efforts will in turn create a rewarding experience for both of you
Being sexual is much more than just eliciting a physical response. When you are tuned into your partner as a beloved and not as a sexual object, it will enrich relations between the two.
Courtesy: The Times of India